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Abusive Times

I spent some time the other day reading through journal entries and adding them to new pages on the site. You will find the first at Wish Wash. Click the "Later" link at the top right to flip through the entries.

I was very depressed during most of 2005 and 2006. Oh well. The conclusions I reached then fueled my current beliefs. All of it - the website, accusing my husband of being abusive, et cetera, began with me tearing myself apart.

I guess when I finished tearing myself down (am I really finished?), I knew our marital problems could not possibly be 100% my fault as he seemed to want me to believe. I was damaged, but I wasn't broken.

Reading the old journal entries made me terribly sad. Sad for myself, where I've been; how lost I'd become.

It's better now. I'm better now. I think.

What is Living with Verbal Abuse Like?

I am upset even though I am not permitted to be furious about how he's treated me, just as I am not allowed to experience anything my abuser isn't experiencing. If my abuser is frustrated, I am expected to be frustrated; if he is happy, I am imagined to be happy.

I am merely a mirror for my abuser. My temperament "should be the same" as his so my abuser is authenticated and justified in feeling whatever he does at the second. The punishment for revealing any feelings or behaviors without "permission" usually outweighs the gain of feeling them.

Whenever I am "different" from my abuser, I am:

incorrect, living in a dream world, irrational, foolish, or (my abuser's word) "unbelievable", exceedingly emotional, too naive to see the truth, untruthful, conniving, or sneaky, ludicrous, absentminded, making up stories, acting like a drama addict, looking for a fight, and so on...

To put it briefly, if I show my individuality, my separateness from my abuser, I am verbally beat into submission into the emotion I "should" be feeling. When I go along, he is happy; when I rebel, everyone is miserable.
More on verbal abuse at http://www.verbalabusejournals.com/verbal-abuse-marriage/

Still Updating...just not here.

I write on my blog most every day. For simplicity, I only post at My Verbally Abusive Marriage ... and what I'm doing in it. I invite you to click over for a second and take a look into my life with an abusive husband.

We have two teenage boys who have grown up seeing the abuse cycle, the part he plays and the part I play in keeping it alive. As I work on my own recovery, I desperately hope to bring my boys (and my husband if possible) with me.

We all deserve better.

Please visit me at http://www.verbalabusejournals.com/verbal-abuse-marriage/

Does it "hurt" to republish a post from another blog?

I LOVE GOOGLE. I do. But I like wordpress over blogger. So I have my "real" blog at my own site, Verbal Abuse Journals. The site publishes my journal entries from the beginning of my marriage to present. I hope it shows other abuse survivors/victims just how long abuse can continue. It's been over 17 years for me.

That's a damn long time.

My blog is entitled My Verbally Abusive Marriage...and what I'm doing in it. I hope you'll click and check it out.

And could you please answer this question: Will it hurt to copy/paste my posts from my "real" blog into this one? I don't want to maintain two blogs, but I wouldn't mind duplicating my content here, IF it won't hurt according to the search engines and such.

Check my wordpress blog at My Verbally Abusive Marriage...and what I'm doing in it.